‘Twas the night before Cocksmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a blouse;
The dildos were hung by the gimp cage with care,
In hopes that St. Dickolas soon would be there;
The whores were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of strippers danced in their heads;
And mamma in her loincloth, and I in my socks,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a magnificent tits and eight veiney queers,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Dick.
More rapid than minutemen his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Cockfiend! now, Slutballs! now Asstoy and Fisten!
On, Cumet! on, Cupid! on, Pussy and Titzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the tit-sleigh full of sex toys, and St. Dickholas too—
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little poof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Dickholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with cum, ashes and soot;
A bundle of sextoys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And sucked off my cock; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of my rose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°);
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Cocksmas to all, and to all a good ‘n tight!”